Are you being gaslighted in your relationship? Are you gaslighting your partner?
I wasn’t very familiar with the term until recently. Although, I knew what it meant and sadly I experienced it but the more I think about it, I didn’t realize that what was happening was gaslighting.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is simply a form of psychological manipulation. Manipulating someone psychologically by making them doubt your own sanity. This is when one person tries to control the other by twisting your sense of reality, so they create a false narrative and make the other question your judgment. There are some common traits of a gas lighter:

1. They are highly manipulative
2. They’ve got low self-esteem or self-worth
3. They’re insecure
4. They are controlling

Trust me, they don’t respond well when they’re no longer in control. That’s when you see the true colours, you know? So basically, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. What are the signs? How do you know you’re being gaslighted?

1.      The Gas Lighter Lies About the Situation

The gas lighter lies about the situation. They lie about you persistently because the idea is that they need to be in control, right? They need to be in control of the narrative. And sometimes I feel like they even believe their own lies.

2.      They Make You Feel Insecure

Number two, they make you feel insecure. They say things to make you feel bad. They say things to provoke you and to make you feel like that you’re the one feeling insecure. And when you show proof of this, they deny it, they deny and lie about the situation so that others will question your proof. They will twist the reality of your evidence. So, everyone is looking at you and thinking, yeah, you’re the bad guy. You’re the one who’s at fault. You’re the one who has the issue. They’re so good at twisting the narrative. And most of all, they make you question your own thoughts. They make you question your feelings. They make you question your behaviour.

Of course, there are various levels of this. There are examples of gaslighting. People use different things to or situations or I won’t exactly call them tricks, but they use different things, people use different emotions to control the narratives.

3.      They Make You Feel Paranoid

Some would use paranoia. They would make you feel like you’re paranoid for nothing. Let’s say you question something that’s going on, something happens. They could say something like, “Oh, how can you think that? You know, how can you do you really think that I will do this to you? Do you really think that I would cheat on you? Oh, come on. You’re being paranoid.“

Thus, they make you feel like, “OK. Maybe I have that? Maybe I am being paranoid? Maybe I shouldn’t be asking these questions because it’s making me look crazy.” Like I’m to the crazy partner. Like I’m the one who was suspecting every single action of this person was gaslighting you.

4.      They Constantly Criticize You

Another example of gaslighting is using criticism. OK, so they constantly criticize you by being verbally abusive. They say things like everything you do, it’s not good enough. So, they criticize you every move. Like, “You’re not hardworking enough. Can’t you see this person or see that person, you know? You don’t know how to manage finances.” They say things like, you are ungrateful, you’re too dramatic, you’re crazy. They criticize you, every action, your every move is criticized. So, as I said, examples of gaslighting, using paranoia and constantly criticizing you.

5.      They Use Love as A Defence

They use love as a defence. This is the one I can relate with the most. Using love as a defence. Oh my, this one is so bad and sad at the same time, very annoying. When your partner tries to make you feel like whatever they’re doing, whatever wrong they do to you is because they love you. Wow!

1. Example. They would say things like, “Oh, I did it, I did it for us. I cheated on you so that we can have a good relationship.” I know it sounds crazy, but you start to believe it. You know, they use phrases like “I love you so much. That’s why I am so open with you. I can tell you about my sexcapades.” They even explain, “That means that I love you. I am flirting with this person in front of you to show you how open I am, you know, to show you how much I love and respect you. I’m not doing it behind your back. I did it in front of you. Oh, you know, I only do it because I love you!”

Gas Lighters Who Use Love as a Defence Are Dangerous

Now, this group of gas lighters that use love as a defence for their actions or inactions are dangerous. I say dangerous because they clearly think that they know what love is. They clearly think that they love you. That’s not what love is, obviously! In your mind, in your head, that pattern is in your mind. It’s woven into your thought pattern that that’s how to love someone. That’s what love is. And the moment you start to question it, the moment you start to question your actions, they immediately judge you and say, “Oh, you don’t love me.”

Why do some people gaslight?

Yeah, So why, why? Why the gaslighting? Why do people gaslight the people they claim to love? They believe it’s the only way to sustain a relationship. They feel better about themselves when they gaslight someone they are in a relationship with. They like to be in control. Like I said, they want to control the narrative. The moment you gain control, that’s the moment they will try to pull you down any way possible.

What should you do?

Now, what should you do? If they’re gaslighting, you’re the one being gaslighted. What do you do? I know it’s not easy, but

1.      Break The Cycle of Abuse

number one, you need to break the cycle of abuse. Because you might not know this, but it is an abuse. Enough is enough! Don’t allow yourself to get sucked in because you know someone who gaslights you to gain control over you will try to pull you back or try to get you sucked right back in.

2.      Disassociate Yourself as Much as Possible

So cut it off. Disassociate yourself as much as possible. You might feel isolated. You know, you might feel like, you know, there’s no one else to talk to. When you are in that kind of relationship you start to feel alone because they make you feel like they’re the only ones who can ever love you the way you are.

3.      Talk To Friends and Family About It

OK, so if you are lucky enough to talk to family, you have a family member that you can confide in, that you can talk to or talk with, or a friend or a trusted co-worker, great! But remember, they’ve made you feel like they are the only ones who understand you. But it is not true! What else can you do if you are the one being gaslighted?

4.      Focus On Yourself

Focus on yourself. When you’re in that sort of relationship, you tend to lose yourself. You tend to wallow in that cocoon that you’ve created – your gas lighter has created for you. Try not to lose yourself. It’s OK to wallow. It’s OK to feel the pain, but get right back up. Easier said, I know, Easier said than done. But you’ve got to create a space for internal and external healing. Personally, I just cut off everyone who kept me in that stage, in that cocoon and that wallow, who kept me in that closed place where I was suffocating. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me. But I couldn’t. It took me a while to get out of it.

So focus on yourself. Don’t lose yourself. Direct your energy to something else you love. If you want to sign up in a dance class, go ahead, meet new people. Focus on your past time. If there’s hobby you like to do, if it’s, whatever it is, focus on it. Discover yourself as an individual.

5.      Trust Your Instincts

And lastly, trust your instincts. Don’t allow anyone to make you judge yourself. Don’t allow anyone to make you question yourself, your thoughts, your actions, your memories, or even your feelings! Don’t allow anyone to make you question your perceptions about anything that should not even be debated on! You have the control! You control your story. You control your feelings, your actions, your thoughts, your perceptions.

It’s you. It’s on you. Don’t give in to anyone who wants to make you feel otherwise.

Thank you for listening. Have a lovely one.
Sincerely
Efemena