Have you been hurt before? Like hurt so bad. Hurt so many times that it affects everything around you. You’ll know if you’ve been hurt many times.

1.      You’re Always Worried

If, number one, you’re always worried. You’re worried about what others think about you. You’re living your life. You pretty much live your life through the eyes of other people.

Your conscious about what people think of you or what you if you’re doing the right thing. If you’ve made the right decision. It took me a while to realize that what we think others think of us is what we think of ourselves. We can only assume. That’s it. But that doesn’t mean, you know, that’s the case. Someone who’s been hurt a lot tends to have this trait. Getting worried, feeling like everyone is looking at them or thinking about them or saying something about them.

2.      You Tend to Push People Away

Number two, someone who’s been hurt tends to push people away. You tell yourself, “I’ll just break this off now. I’ll just wake up from this before they break up with me. I will hurt them before they hurt me. I will let them go before they let me go.”

Or you probably push people away to see if they’ll stay, to see if they’ll fight for your love. Because you’ve been in a situation where you felt so much hurt and you just need to feel wanted. You want to feel, you want to be reassured that they want you, that they want to be with you. At the end of the day, it becomes a Yo-Yo effect.

3.      You Adopt a Negative Vibe About Yourself

Number three. You’ve been hurt so many times that you abuse yourself by adopting a negative vibe about yourself. Before anyone said anything or did something to you, you hurt yourself with your own words, with your own actions. You’re negative about yourself by saying things like, “Oh, I got big nose – my big fat nose.”

You know that you just want to say something hurtful, demeaning about yourself, be before anyone can say it or tell you about it so it doesn’t hurt you. You build this defence mechanism by being negative towards yourself.

4.      You Disconnect from People

Number four. When you’ve been hurt repeatedly or so many times, you start to disconnect or become disconnected from other people. You can’t build a deep connection with anyone. In fact, you avoid building a connection with anyone. As soon as you get into any sort of relationship and something comes up, you just say, “Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, it’s not worth it. I’m out!” You can’t stand it because you’ve been hurt repeatedly.

5.      You Foster Friendships Through Mutually Understood Pain

Number five. You’ve been hurt so many times when you carry on with friendships that have gone through mutually understood pain. You connect because of the pain. You don’t connect because, you know, you went to school together, you have this experience together or you’ve got this interest together, or you share opinions like minds about certain things in past favourite pastimes or whatever. You connect with them. You connect with your pain. That’s what bonds you – the pain. As soon as you feel like the other person is not feeling your pain, like they used to, you just cut them off.

We have so many signs that reflects our hurt, our pain, how it affects everyone else around us and how it affects us.

How Do You Heal?

The real question is how do you get over this pain? How do you heal? How do you get over the emotional feeling, the pain of carrying this so much in you and because of it, unable to give yourself you and able to connect with others? What do you do?

1.      Focus On Yourself

Number one, focus on yourself. Sounds cliché. Focus on yourself. It’s important. You must make the choice to address the hurt, whatever’s causing the pain. You cannot keep sweeping it under the rug or carpet. You need to address it. I know the feeling. Sometimes you just don’t want to think about the pain. You just put it in a box and throw it away. But it shows in your attitude, the way you react, and the way you connect with people.

So that’s why it’s important to do you, do your own work. Work on yourself by addressing what’s hurting you. When you think about a person or the people or whatever caused you to pain, bring yourself back to the present and then focus on something that you are grateful for. Personally, I would say I am glad that I went through what I did, and I’m grateful for life. Whatever it is, focus on yourself.

2.      Be Gentle with Yourself

Number two, as much as you’re focusing on yourself, be gentle with yourself. Your first response should not be you criticizing yourself, should not be you putting yourself down. Show yourself some kindness. The way you would treat others, the way you would treat your friend, the way you would be compassionate towards others. Be compassionate and kind towards yourself.

3.      Engage In Self-Care

Number three. Engage in self-care. When you focus on yourself, on caring for yourself, the hurt will not be as painful or as overwhelming. Do things that bring you joy. Do things that bring you comfort. Listen to yourself. Listen to your own needs. Put yourself first. Now, this is coming from someone who used to put the needs of others before hers. There is a liberating feeling of caring for yourself and setting boundaries. Saying no, when you’ve always said yes, doesn’t make you selfish. The fact that you are engaging in self-care took me a while to realize that as much as I want to be kind to others, be good to others, I also matter. So, to heal from that hurting feeling, empower yourself with self-care.

4.      Surround Yourself with People Who Inspire You

Number four, surround yourself with people who fill you up, who inspire you. People who carry you through a lot, who can carry you through the hurt. The thing is, no man is an island, we can’t do it alone. I used to always say “You know what, I’ll do me. I don’t care. I’ll take care of it myself.” But the truth is, we can’t go through our hearts alone. You can lean on someone. You can lean on the loved one. You can get the support from loved ones. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to lean in someone’s shoulder and not go through the process alone and not feel isolated.

5.      Create A Positive Mantra

And number five, lastly, have a mantra. Create a positive mantra when you’re going through that hurt that painful experience or when you have that painful thought. Personally, when I’m going through an emotional pain, when something is bothering me, maybe from my past, I create this mantra, this positive mantra to counter the pain or to counter the experience. I tell myself everything happens for a reason. This has been my positive mantra, and I look at it from a positive way.

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I tell myself everything that happened for a reason and there’s a positive reason for it. I might be going through a very difficult phase, or I might be going through a very difficult heartbreak or I might be going through a very difficult situation with work, friends, family, relationship wise, whatever it is, I just tell myself it happens for a reason. It’s the only way I can counter the pain, and it has helped. Instead of absorbing negative vibes or negative thoughts, I reframe my thoughts with a positive mantra.

I hope it helps. Have a good one.
Yours sincerely
Efemena