Hello. Welcome to another episode of Thy Truth.
I want to talk about codependency. What does it mean to be codependent in a relationship? Now, when one person tends to give more, give more of their time, give more energy. When you’re focused on the other person who might consciously or unconsciously take advantage of the situation to fulfill their own needs and desires.
That’s a dependent relationship. If you’re in a situation where one person doesn’t recognize boundaries and then the other person doesn’t insist on boundaries, or when one person is controlling and manipulative and the other person is compliant and fails to assert his or her own will or opinion, then you are in a codependent relationship. Codependents have trouble being assertive. They have trouble being direct in a relationship.
Now, how do you know you are in a codependent relationship? What are the signs?
You Feel Guilty When You Take Time For Yourself
Number one, the moment you take time for yourself, you start to feel guilty. Basically, to you, self-care makes you feel selfish. So when you take out time to take care of you, you feel you’re doing something terrible.
You Can’t Explain How You Feel
Number two, you can’t explain how you feel. When people ask you, Are you okay in your relationship? Is it all right? Is it going good? Is it going bad? You can’t quite explain it. Do you know why? Because you’re so focused on the other person that you have no time to process or understand your own feelings. You’re not aware of how it’s affecting you, how it’s affecting your surrounding, how it’s affecting your self-worth, how it’s affecting your self-esteem.
You pretty much feel lost. You can’t say, Oh, yeah, the relationship is going great. Oh, no, it’s not going okay because you’ve no idea.
You Want To Rescue Them
Number three, you feel you need to rescue them from themselves. You feel like you need to save your partner from herself or himself. For instance, a partner tells you, “I have a weakness. I’m a sex addict.” Immediately you take up the caretaking role. You want to help the person. You tell the person. That’s fine. Okay. I’ll be your strength. You’re trying to fix this person. You tell a person, “Okay, we’re going to work it out together.” Or let’s say your partner is a gambler and you find out that they gamble. But you’re trying to fix the process and you’re saying It’s okay.
We’ll work at it together. Pretty much you feel you need to save them from themselves. So you try to guide them. And granted, sometimes at first it will look like it’s going okay. But the truth is, there’s only so much you can do. It’s up to the other person to make real changes. They have to want to decide to change. Now, because you feel responsible for their behaviors the other person sometimes plays into your sense of responsibility. For instance, the partner who says they’re sex addicts they can’t do without sleeping around. What happens is they could say something like, “Oh, you didn’t make love to me two months ago. So I slept with my colleague yesterday. It’s all your fault. You made me do it. You made me fall into temptation.”
Yeah, I know. Or the one who gambles, could say, “Oh, by the way, I requested you ask your bank for a loan, but you didn’t. So I took the car and gambled. And just so I could get some moneys for the business. It’s your fault. It’s your fault that we don’t have a car right now. You made me gamble, and I have to use the car – our car.”
So most times they play into your sense of responsibility because they know you’re always there. They know you will be there. They know you’re trying to fix them. They know you’re trying to rescue them from themselves.
You Are Afraid To Speak Up
Number four, you don’t like to speak up or express how you feel because you feel like you may be probably asking too much.
For instance, your partner’s refused to work. They don’t want to go to work. And every time you try to have the conversation, you’re trying to communicate with them about the situation of not working, they make you feel guilty for addressing the issue. So you back off. You don’t express how you’re feeling anymore. These are some signs of a codependent relationship.
What do you do?
So what do you do? If you are in a situation where you are codependent in a relationship, what do you do?
Try Not To Bottle Up Your Emotions
Number one, try not to bottle it up. Try not to bottle up your emotions. I know it’s easier said than done. I mean, sometimes you could get caught up and feel lost. Now, if you’ve got close friends, if you’ve got close family members, turn to them, talk to them, let it out.
Either you seek advice from them or just express how you feel. Sometimes others can clearly see that you are not okay. They can see the situation clearer and better. So things that you’ve probably unconsciously or consciously ignored, they can call your attention to it.
I recall once I was working out in a gym and a friend of a friend called my friend to say, “What’s up with her? Something is off about her. She doesn’t seem alright. Is she okay?” I had no idea. I was just busy working out. To me, I was fine. But others could recognize it. Others could see that something is not right. Something is going on. And they called my attention to it.
Re-Examine Your Values
Number two, reexamine your values. Because before you met that person, you had core values.
Try and find yourself again. What you could do is make a list of your core values. It could be honesty. You want an honest relationship. It could be loyalty. It could be family. Whatever it is, make a list of your core values and then think thoroughly about your current situation. Ask yourself what you like, what you want, how you’re feeling, what you can do, where you’ve been, or what you’ve had to sacrifice.
Ask yourself what you’ve done to enable what is going on. Ask yourself how you can move on in rediscovering yourself and your values. It’s important to reexamine your values. It’s important to find yourself again.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Number three You need to set healthy boundaries. You have to set boundaries in your relationship. Honestly, most times it’s not easy for those in codependent relationships to work things out.
Remember, one person is taking advantage of the other person and the other person is allowing the other person to take advantage of them. So it can be a little bit tricky. It can be very hard, but it can happen. It can work if both partners are willing to make it work if they’re willing to do the work. If they’re willing to take responsibility for their actions. If they’re willing to communicate, talk about it. If they’re willing to listen. And most importantly, if they’re willing to respect each other’s boundaries.
Now, when this doesn’t happen and one person is saying, oh, you have to accept me for me, this is me, this is how I am. I can’t change.
You must see me for me. I can’t come to you. They have literally refused to change and they refuse to come to a compromise. Then ask yourself, how much am I willing to take? You can decide how much you’re willing to put up, how much you’re willing to allow, how much you’re willing to remain in an unhealthy situation.
It actually just boils down to how important it is to you to be mutually loved, mutually respected, and mutually cared for in a relationship while maintaining your self-worth, while maintaining your self-image and your self esteem.
I wish you all the best. Thank you for listening
Meet you again at another episode of Thy Truth. Finding your truth with Efemena.